The Secret Life of the Cheating Wife by Alicia M. Walker

Author:Alicia M. Walker
Language: eng
Format: epub, azw3, pdf
Publisher: Lexington Books

Chapter 4

A Gift You Give Yourself, But Nothing Comes for Free

Considering the time, expense, energy, and risk required to participate in an outside partnership concurrent to a primary partnership, the payoff must be immense to entice people to continue. After all, much is on the line. The women of this study were acutely aware of the risks, and proceeded with open eyes. They were practical and rational in their decision-making. The value of these outside partnerships motivated women to continue their participation. The women in this study reported deriving many benefits from participation in outside partnerships. The sexual satisfaction gained provided many psychological and emotional benefits. The women believed their outside partnerships did not just benefit themselves, but also their primary partnerships, and other social ties. For women whose lives had been sexless for years prior to participation in outside partnerships, the ability to have their needs met was invaluable in terms of the positive impact on their emotional self-management. However, they were equally upfront about the costs of their behavior. None of these women tried to present this practice as a perfect solution. Rather, they presented outside partnerships as a practice much like the others we choose in our lives: having both positives and negatives.

BENEFITS

The women of this study talked about their outside partnerships as a space from which they drew many assets. In their “real lives,” they compromised, made concessions, put themselves last, and adjusted themselves to their primary partners. By contrast, their outside partnerships served as a place absent settling and compromise. They could get exactly what they wanted and needed. It provided a much-needed mental health break, broke up the monotony of “real life,” and helped them keep a handle on their own emotional lives so they could present their best selves to their families and primary partners.

“A Little Vacation for Me”

The women in this sample repeatedly verbalized the sense of outside partnerships as an “escape.” Twenty-seven women specifically described outside partners as a vacation or escape from their “real” lives. Lori (30, married) stated it simply: “It’s a vacation from reality. It’s a moment of relaxation.” Coco (43, married) echoed that sentiment: “It’s an incredible break from reality. When we’re together, the two of us are all that matters. No worries about who is picking up the kids, who is paying the bills, doing the laundry.” In our current double-income, high stress world, we often feel stretched to their limits. For the women in this study whose primary partnerships were not a space where their needs were prioritized, outside partnerships became a space of relaxation. Joy (34, married) elaborated on the “vacation” value of her outside partnership:

He’s like a vacation. I work full-time. We have [small] children; I am a [student]; I’m [active in community]. I’m busy. When I’m with OP, we just have fun, and it’s really the only time I can just focus on rest, relaxation, and socialization. The relationship is based on pleasure, not just physical. He’s also someone who finds me interesting and funny and looks forward to my company (and vice versa).

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